Brighton5

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It is estimated that more than one in five girls self-harm in the UK. One parent details the journey from the realisation that her teen was self-harming, through the maze of bureaucracy to try and get help. 

Links to organisations that can offer help and support are listed at the bottom of this post.

Chapter four: “I stopped having any life of my own”

My daughter has been self-harming for a while. This and her violent episodes are having such a major impact on the whole family in many different ways.

My son is scared. He can’t sleep at night as that’s when the majority of the issues happen. He hears her hurting herself and throwing her belongings around. During the day, chairs and other objects will get thrown, doors will get slammed, other items will be destroyed or damaged and he gets upset. He cries and runs away to a safer part of the house.

I have stopped having any life of my own. She sleeps in our room next to me, or I end up sleeping on her floor, as by the end of the evening she is so distraught she cannot get herself to sleep. I’ve tried waiting up until she’s asleep, but then I’m awake most of the night and she’ll wake up in the middle of the night and still be distraught. So we’ve just got into a pattern of me sleeping near her.

I can’t go out. Whenever I do, she threatens to hurt or kill herself. At times she has run away saying she is going to kill herself, so I’ve stopped even planning to go out. I can’t tell my friends because she doesn’t want anyone to know so I’ve just been making excuse after excuse as to why I can’t meet up. My partner and I have not had a night off in over nine months.

I stopped working. One day I was travelling to a meeting and had a mini panic attack. I was so scared that she was going to hurt herself whilst I was away for the day, and I just couldn’t cope any more. There had been a couple of times when I was away with work and received phone calls from her telling me she had cut herself. It was awful. Being hundreds of miles away from home when you receive a phone call like that hits you in the stomach and the heart. I don’t actually have the words to describe how it feels.

Work were great. I told them what was happening at home and they gave me time off, which was great in some ways. It meant I could actually take some time out in the day for me – I’d go for a walk along the seafront or go to the gym, and I could spend some quality time with my son who was so clearly upset by it all. It also meant I could spend some more time with my daughter. At first this was really helpful as I had more patience and was able to deal with her outbursts and self-harming with more calmness as I wasn’t so tired and stressed. She started to confide in me, but I also think she became too dependent on me and I became the focus of all her anger and outbursts.

My partner withdrew a bit. I guess as I was dealing with everything at home, he threw himself into work as a distraction. It has had a massive impact on our relationship. The dynamic has changed so much as I had all of a sudden changed from being the major breadwinner to stay at home mum. I was doing all the household chores, and everything to do with my daughter was left to me. There were so many appointments and meetings which I attended on my own or with my daughter. I spent many hours each day researching mental health and self-harming. I felt like I had lost all sense of my own identity. I had simply become my daughter’s mother.

Next post: “My daughter is addicted to social media”

Read previous chapters from our blogger mum’s story:

Where to get help and advice

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To celebrate Halloween, we gave our teens makeup and cameras. Did you know that over half of adolescents struggle with low self-esteem and negative body image? Brighton5 is working to change that. We hope you enjoy our film that celebrates positive body image. Happy Halloween!

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Grace creating a Brighton5 Halloween look for Elsa

Happy weekend!

This week we got a few of our teens and pre-teens together to create a special #HallowTeen film that celebrates their creativity and got them thinking outside the usual focus on the “perfect body image” and “Instagram Face” (read this eye-watering article on the BBC News website if you want to know more!) – and we had great fun!

As Brighton5 teen Chloe put it, “Halloween is a chance to dress up how you want and to be who you want be, and not be judged. You can totally experiment with different looks and have fun.”

Look out for the film next week on our social channels!

Beren with a Brighton5 Halloween makeover

Biba with a Brighton5 Halloween makeover

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Hello! Here’s a quick Brighton5 Crowdfunder update and some really useful links to organisations that have helped us along the way this week.

We have raised £4,250 of our target in our first week, which is hugely encouraging! We’ve been busy ticking off things on our ever-growing lists – I have post-it-notes everywhere! So far this week, we’ve edited a new blog that will be up on makegoodtrouble.co.uk from Friday this week. It’s from a parent of a self-harming teen and follows her journey from the realisation that her teen is cutting herself to getting through the maze of bureaucracy to try and get help. It’s a heart-breaking read but our anonymous contributor wants to get the message out there to anyone in the same position that they’re not alone.

We are also about to update our Crowdfunder with a new 2-minute video talking about what it’s like to be a worried parent and why Brighton5 is going to make a difference. If you haven’t yet, please visit our page and donate! Every penny makes a difference, and we want to encourage everyone to give as little as £1. Go on, tick it off your to-do list and pledge today!

In what feels slightly awkward (and so un-British!), we have been tapping into every contact we can think of for advice and to ask folk to help promote Brighton5. And hurray! Our efforts have been rewarded…

The Do Lectures featured us in their wonderful weekly newsletter– if you don’t know them, they’ve built a brand around inspiring people to “Do amazing things”. They hold workshops and talks as well as produce gorgeous books on everything from storytelling and business advice to growing veg and making jam! After featuring in their newsletter, we’ve had people contact us from all over the country offering to help, as well as tweets from people in their network.

We were overwhelmed to get an email from Shirley Conran, OBE (yes, *the* Shirley Conran!) who sent us a fabulously long email full of really useful advice on how to grow Brighton5 and who can help us along the way. She is a real inspiration to us and she’s still working hard to help people who suffer from maths anxiety – which particularly affects girls and women. Her Maths Anxiety Trust website contains a wealth of useful information for students, parents and teachers.

We also had an email from Justine Roddick – her mum, Anita Roddick, started The Body Shop many moons ago in Brighton’s North Street and Brighton5 founder Daisy met Justine when she worked at their head office as a graphic designer – Daisy’s first job after college! Justine is now living in the USA and is working with charities support help teens with empowerment and sexual health. She has linked us up with people in the UK who might be able to help us.

And next week? That’s for our Monday meeting where we’ll have a quick group hug and then it’s out with the post-it-notes…

Brighton5 teens on Brighton beach