Teens

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Raising Teens’ series finale is a love letter to teenagers – a love letter to today’s adolescents and to the teen you once were – remember? That young person full of passion and energy – full of contrary anger and joie de vivre? That young man or woman in the making who will change the world? They are our driving force.

Our guests were neuroscientist and author Dean Burnett, vet, anatomist, reproductive biologist and author David Bainbridge and school learning and wellbeing mentor Debra Lloyd.

They talked about the fact that the teenager years are when you become who you really are. Perhaps the most important time in our lives.

🔊 Listen to Raising Teens: The return of the teenage brain

🔊 Listen to Lola’s interview with the Sussex Youth Cabinet

There’s a wealth of advice throughout the show, but here are our guests’ top tips for parents struggling to get through to their teen:

Debra

Listen to the Sussex Youth Cabinet’s top 10 tips for parents! And learn your new person that’s coming through the door – it’s not the child, it’s the teenager – and then find different ways to communicate with them.

David

Don’t try and struggle too much. Take a break. Give them some space, and just accept sometimes that they’re not listening to you any more!

Dean

Whatever’s happening, it’s not personal – they don’t hate what you’ve done, they don’t resent you personally. You are the parent and that’s just a generic factor in their life which they try and fight against. One tip is to try and communicate with them via someone else like a neutral third party because as a parent you’re far too close. When advice comes from a parent, it’s often seen as an attempt to control or limit autonomy which teenagers don’t react well to.

Help & Advice

Open For Parents – includes the East Sussex Youth Cabinet’s Top Ten Tips

Young Minds’ support for parents

The Mix, support for under 25s

Relate: Communicating with Teens

David Bainbridge’s book, Teenagers – A Natural History

Dean Burnett’s book, Why Your Parents Are Driving You Up the Wall and What to Do About It (read our review!)

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Of all the subjects we’ve covered so far on Raising Teens, this one was the biggest eye-opener for me. Our teen reporter, Lola, interviewed some amazing teens who give honest accounts of how loneliness and social anxiety has affected them.

Did you know that Brighton has the most internet searches for the word ‘lonely’? In 2016 Childline saw a marked increase in the number of children who felt “miserable, misunderstood or isolated” with many too “embarrassed” to admit to feeling lonely. There are many reasons cited including the pressures of social media, bullying, moving home or school, living in care or having an illness or disability. We felt that it was important to cover loneliness and social anxiety in teens this series. And from Lola’s interviews, we found that it was something that teenagers often hide and it’s just not talked about.

Our guests were Danny Gray, founder of War Paint for Men, psychotherapist Donna Peters-Lamb and Zara Philips from Albion in the Community.

🔊 Listen to Raising Teens: Loneliness

Our guests gave advice for teens who might be suffering from loneliness and social anxiety, and for parents:

Danny Gray

Think about who your young person can speak to – it doesn’t have to be a parent or adult. As a parent, reach out to your young person and get them to talk to their friends or anyone they feel comfortable with.

Zara Philips

For a teenager, find that one person that understands you – that could be within a school setting. It could be a friend, family. And parents should always share their concerns with school. They can help.

Donna Peters-Lamb

For parents – start young and enable your young people, as they grow into teenagers, to feel confident. Join clubs finding different groups of people to be around. Breathing techniques are invaluable – so breathe out for longer than you breathe in as it switches off the fight or flight response. If you’re out in social situations, get them to focus outside themselves – ask them how many different colours can they see, how many different types of footwear. If they’re less internally focused, they are more able to connect, and when we connect, we are not lonely.

Help & advice

YMCA – Brighton’s Youth Advice Centre is a safe space where any young person age 13-25 can talk to a worker one-to-one and receive support 
Daily drop in Monday-Thurs 3-6pm and Friday 3-5.30pm, 11 St Georges Place, Brighton BN1 4GB

Albion in the Community, working to improve health and wellbeing, education and aspirations of Brighton’s community
Premier League Kicks is a project that offers free weekly football sessions to children between 7 and 18 and combines free football with workshops and lifestyle advice in subjects like domestic violence, anti-homophobia, anti-racism, substance misuse and road safety.

Childline offers support and advice for young people who feel lonely or isolated 
Call Childline for free on 0800 1111

Anxiety UK has information, resources and support for parents and young people suffering from social anxiety as well as an online chat service 

Young Minds information and resources for young people suffering from anxiety 

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BBC Raising Teens covered self-harm, looking at how it affects teens and parents. Jane, whose daughter self-harms, spoke movingly about how it has affected her and her family. Jane’s story was initially told on our blog. We were also joined by CAMHS Nurse, Rebecca, education specialist, Kathryn de Ferrer and mental health specialist, Ren Rockwood. This episode aired on BBC Radio Sussex and Surrey in November 2019.

🔊 Listen to Raising Teens: Self-harm

Here are our guests’ top tips:

Rebecca, CAMHS nurse
“If you’re really worried, go to your GP. Don’t be afraid of asking for help. Look up charities like Selfharm UK, Hopeline UK which is part of Papyrus, and Young Minds has a really useful crisis messenger service. Mind Out is a really good LGBTQ charity.” (All details and links below)

Kathryn de Ferrer, education specialist
“Whatever you’re hearing from your teenager, stay calm. Don’t react, listen.”

Ren Rockwood, mental health specialist
“Don’t worry about saying the wrong thing. If you’re really concerned and think they’re at risk, go to A&E.”

Jane, parent of a child who self-harmed
“Be really patient and calm Listen and don’t judge them. And when it comes to getting help, follow your gut instinct. You will definitely get it if you keep shouting loud enough – go to the school, your GP, CAMHS and even the police – they’re there to protect the public and can help.”

Help & Advice

For more information and advice on self-harm and how it affects teens and parents: 

Selfharm UK – now Alumina, a charity that offers free online self-harm support for 10-17 year-olds. Dedicated to self-harm recovery, insight and support  

Young Minds information and advice on dealing with self-harm 

Young Minds Crisis Messenger 24/7 for young people, crisis support for young people text YM to 85258
Free and Confidential on EE, O2, Three and Vodafone

Young Minds Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544

Papyrus ,For children and young people under the age of 35 experiencing thoughts of suicide or anyone concerned that a young person could be thinking about suicide

HOPELINEUK call 0800 068 4141 text 07786209697 email pat@papyrus-uk.org 9am – 10pm weekdays, 2pm – 10pm weekends, 2pm – 10pm bank holidays. 

Mindout,  LGBTQ mental health service

Mermaids, Gender variant and trans mental health service

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Raising Teens looked into the topic of alcohol last night. We covered teens’ attitudes to drinking and how that might be affected by their parents, by a culture that seems to encourage and glamorise drinking and advertising.

We also looked at how teens can find help if a parent drinks too much. Ceri Walker’s powerful story about how she coped as a child was really moving. There’s a ton of great advice for parents and teens from our guests, Piers Henriques from NACOA (the National Association for Children of Alcoholics), Fran Carpenter from Oasis Project, helping women and families affected by drugs and alcohol, Luci Hammond from RU-OK, a substance misuse service for Brighton & Hove, and Ceri Walker, the daughter of an alcoholic parent.

🔊 Listen to Raising Teens: Teens, Parents & Booze

There are some useful links for places to get help and advice below, meanwhile, do watch Ceri’s powerful video for NACOA.

Here are our guest’s top tips:

Fran Carpenter:

“If someone’s worried about their parents’ drinking, maybe speak to someone at the school or a trusted adult in their life. Don’t be scared to talk about your worries. For parents worried about their own drinking, there’s support at Oasis, and mutual aid in the community like AA. We know it’s scary and a really difficult time but when people start making that change, positive things really do happen in their life and it can be a real oportunity to strengthen families and relationships.”

Ceri Walker:

“There’s also Young Oasis which has art therapists, so children who are struggling with things like emotions and wondering who to talk to, there’s so many different ways they can explore that through arts therapy.

“I want to say to all young people, you didn’t cause it, it’s not your fault. Do seek help in whatever way you feel is appropriate. Whatever it is, for you and your family, please just do something.”

Piers Henriques:

Shame isn’t something you should try to pretend isn’t there. A lot of the people who call [NACOA], they are being made to feel ashamed because their parents are telling them not to call because they are shaming the family. So it’s not easy and there’s no easy top tip, but try and give to somebody in that situation other than, try and express yourself. Empowering yourself through expressing yourself can be incredibly good but it’s not necessarily all on you… overcoming shame is something doesn’t go away very easily. It’s just about working on it over time and realising that your problems aren’t unjustified. People are there for you and they understand the pain you’ve gone through is real.

Luci Hammond:

“We’re all non-judgemental services. You’re. not going to get someone telling you what to do, telling you you’re a bad person, a bad parent, you’re just going to get someone who wants to hear you and wants to help you, and the hardest thing is that first phone call but once you’re through that, for most people it’s easier from thereon.”

Help & Advice

Alcohol Change UK has a useful fact sheet on alcohol and parenting 

NACOA, National Association for Children of Alcoholics, offers advice and information, including a helpline 0800 358 3456

RU-OK? Part of Brighton & Hove Children’s Services, working alongside under 18s whose lives are affected by substance misuse in Brighton & Hove

Oasis Project, Brighton – helping people affected by drugs and alcohol

Young Minds’ offer information for parents worried about their child’s use of alcohol or drugs

Young Minds’ offer information for parents worried about their child’s use of alcohol or drugs